I am spazzing again. I certainly don’t want medication, but something’s gotta change.
On the pleasant side, I did buy my iPad. Setting it up really requires a WiFi connection, so I went to Starbucks. Tomorrow, I bring it in to work. My heart is beating with nerves, though. You know, spending such a large amount of cash on something like that … plus, I have work tomorrow. Work’s not that stressful – I think – but I am a mess tonight.
I have a plan to meet women, possibly. I will take the Kiersey personality sorter, and pay for the extra reports. I will get the dating report, which I will use for an ad on Match.com. I will use the career report for some career exploration.
Bottom line, though, I have two major parts of my life where my needs have gone unmet for a long, long time. I don’t even know what I would do with friends or a date – or even if I would like having them. Those needs are human. I am Harlow’s monkey, certainly. The mental imbalance of unmet social needs is totally understandable.
Anyway, I was thinking that death by dehydration might not be that painful, and I could stop the process if I had second thoughts. AFAIK, you hallucinate – might be useful. And the body will probably force me to stop. I still have some reasons to live. Not very good or strong reasons, though.
One of the nasty secrets of this society is that, not only does the world not owe you a living, but the world does not owe you any love. If You cannot find love on your own, do NOT expect friends or family to help out. Their tepid efforts are worthless. You know the stories about everyone around some nebbish trying to set him up? LIES. Nobody cares if you find love. They say that they do, but if you cannot do it yourself, you are less of a man and they will not respect you. One of those reasons that I don’t like myself is that I am not making things happen in my love life. Plus I am slightly bisexual, and had gender issues. People don’t respect that. I don’t have friends or a wife because I don’t deserve companionship. Could the people around me make it any plainer? Do they really need to just say it out loud? Maybe my plans for meeting someone will pan out. Maybe I have changed enough that this time, I will fool someone into believing that my company has any value at all. Look, it’s pretty obvious. I must be a fairly ugly guy. I did not want to accept that, but clearly, anyone can see that I am not meeting people – at a job where I meet dozens of fresh faces every day.
A work friend was talking about Junior Seau’s bad decision. He just doesn’t understand it. I do, it’s real simple. Nobody who hasn’t felt like this would understand, but they should.
I do not deserve companionship because of who I am, and who I have been. I also have not done enough to meet people, apparently. I could have learned to drink, for example. Other people have made my desirability clear by their apathy. I do not like them either. They bore me. They don’t even like me. I don’t know that death is a good solution. But I can see why soem people would choose that route.
Okay, I just had to get all that off my chest. How can I love myself when I am never really feeling it? It’s all so fake. Other people are fake. I hate how I live, and that’s with me making the best choices that I can make – as far as I can. Maybe soem radical change – other than Death – would help. I don’t know. Maybe that change would leave me broken, and I would be even worse off.
Marraige vows are “till Death do you part” – well, since I get to die alone, I will finally be on equal social footing with other people, for once. You know, my neighbor is moving in with his girlfriend. I feel pretty goddamned sad, and it all just kind of sucks right now.
There is an Assistant Store Manager transferring out of my store. His last day is tomorrow. So what does Mr. Shorttimer do? He spends ten minutes telling me all the things wrong with my department, while baiting me. I am fairly relaxed, and pretty much had a very casual discussion with this utter dork.
Like I care anything about what he says, does or thinks. He’s gone in 24 hours.
He spent another five minutes whining to his favorite Department Manager about how awful my attitude is – I noticed him and could hear a little of the whining. I am at peace with my job performance. But it still rankles to have to put up with his nonsense, if even for a little bit.
Bottom line, I have come a far way, emotionally. Guys like that would have got me pretty upset even a year ago. Now? No problem.
I have been thinking about internet access and getting an iPad. My Internet contract is now up, meaning that I can save $60 a month if I ditch home access. While I have considered this over the years, it is still a hard decision. I buy online, do trading online … not often, but possibly once a month. My morning schedule revolves around the internet. It would be a big lifestyle change to not use it at home. Still, the benefit is a lot more free time and some cost savings.
The cost of an iPad would be made up in less than a year if I cut my home access. I cannot put a price on the savings for my time.
El Cajon is a hot, sometimes humid part of San Diego county. I dislike guessing just how hot or humid it is out here, so I bought a few humidity meters to go along with my dehumidifier. Those meters are really earning their keep. The cheap and tacky outdoor meter lets me know when I need to open the patio door and dry out. So far, it has saved me two days’ worth of electricity. The nice indoor meters let me know how long the patio needs to stay open, and when I can close that door. Three indoor meters was an inspired idea. Right now the humidity in my apartment is roughly 51-55% and falling, at 78 degrees. I am quite comfortable. Why wait for things to become unpleasant? This summer will likely be hot, but I am prepared for it. Let others run 1500-watt air conditioners in a vain attempt to beat the heat. A fan will work just fine for me. Later in the season, towards what passes for winter in this town, I will keep the patio door closed and still be more comfortable than the Joneses. Towards winter, thunderstorm season, my apartment will be cool, dry and pleasant.
I suffer from Depression. One of the bad habits that some sufferers have is related to self-care – like, for example, not eating at appropriate times of day. So, I have had one small bowl of shredded wheat all day. I treated myself to a gut-buster special at Sizzler: the steak and all-you-can-eat shrimp platter.
Sizzler is a lot like dining at McD’s. The difference is that you don’t tip at McD’s, and the check is a lot smaller. Maybe most people don’t tip at Sizzler, either, but I did. I found the whole dining experience odd. There was this tiny little television in the far corner with sports. The decor was nondescript. The food itself was good, and I never needed a “refill”. Still, for $24, I would not do this often. That same money could have bought an American Legends pizza at Dominoe’s, plus extras. I could have eaten yummy pizza for days.
*shrug*
And now it’s bedtime at 8pm, because I have to get up at 4am for work tomorrow. Thrills.
My apartment gets a lot of sun. Over many years, I decided to get a shade for the balcony. Buying a white roll-up shade cost $20, which is inexpensive. Installing the shades was actually a lot more difficult than I had imagined, but that task is now done.
Now my balcony has beautiful white shades.
My part of town can get over 100 degrees in the summer, but shades should really help keep my apartment cooler. It was totally worth the frustration of installation and the $20.
